Welcome to my Journal

Hi, all!

This is where I will be posting my new works of fanfiction, poems, and original fiction and nonfiction.  You'll probably also get a fair amount of real life rants.  I apologize in advance for those.  I'm fairly new to posting on livejournal, so please be patient and don't be too upset if my formatting is terrible.  I would appreciate any suggestions.

I'm a graduate student who works on campus between classes.  Postings will probably be infrequent due to my schedule, but if it's been more than a month or two, I wouldn't be annoyed if someone asks where I've been.  Help keep me on track?

Most of my fanfictions will be for Supernatural and possibly Code Geass.  I love hurt!Sam and Sam/Jess is just a thing that I'm really interested in right now.  I adore Jess stories, I think her character explorations are always fascinating.  Hopefully, I won't disappoint anyone with what I write about her.  I'm open to prompts, so if you have them and are willing to share with a newbie, throw them at me!  I think they're a great way to get the creative juices flowing and a wonderful temporary distraction from the real world.  

growing up is frightening and stressful

I needed to vent, but I didn't want to bother my friends with my whining because this is the same old story we tell each other all the time and it's grown boring.

I'm starting my second year of graduate school in August, which means my thesis prospectus (something that seems terribly unnecessary and silly to everyone) is due soon.  I'm nearly done, but it still has to approved by the committee and I have so many questions that are not answered in the guidelines.  Have I mentioned that I go to a shit school that I regret attending?  I'm only staying because I've made a few connections in the area and my subject of study is ten minutes away.  Honestly, I want to be done so I can hurry up and apply to a PhD program because the university comes under question.  Just one more year.

Ah, but that doesn't matter.  Right now, the thing to worry about is funding for research because of course, this school doesn't fund research.  *eye roll*  I'm also looking for a new job right now because I quit my old one at the university because I thought I was going to go on a murderous rampage.  I cannot work with only women and people who don't understand technology in a kind of technology heavy field.  I just don't understand that place and it drove me crazy.  It even got in the way of my school work because I worked there pretty much all day, but continued to take a full course load.  It was a terrible time.

I'll stop there because I hate whining on the internet more than I hate whining to my friends.

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a god.

The god was bored and lonely, with only the grand abyss to keep him company.

So, he created the angels, but they were not enough.

They were just puppets.

So, he created animals, but they were not enough.

They were not interested in the god and they were not entertaining.

One day, man appeared.

The humans were entertaining in their struggle, so, the god kept them.

They built structures and wept when they fell.

The god watched them grow, destroyed their lands, and sometimes gifted them with blessings.

The god enjoyed his creations for a time, but the god grew bored again.

The angels stayed the same, the animals stayed the same, and the humans stayed the same.

The humans were destructive and ungrateful.

The animals still cared not for their god.

The angels stayed loyal and followed commands.

So, the god left.

Perhaps there were adventures elsewhere.

Without the god to lead them, the angels became warped and twisted, angry because they were abandoned.

Without a hand to guide them, the humans nearly fell to ruin.

Once upon a time, a ragtag group formed to save the world.

They fought, and stumbled, and fell.

So, the god returned.

A/N: I've only watched snippets of the most recent season, so please don't drag me for being incorrect about whatever God did. Also, head canon. I tried to post this on fanfiction.net, but it wasn't accepting my edits. Friday the 13th bug or just me being incompetent?

I finally wrote something without Jess!

There should be an "Oh, Chuck" community because I don't know where to post this.

Just Getting It Out

And she was beautiful.

She illuminated places that had never seen the light.

She is guilty

She hated him. She pitied him.

But she was beautiful, and, for the moment, so pure.

He would never match her. She was Esmerelda and he was Quasimodo.

He loved her. He would not abandon her. He would not hurt her.

She will kill you

"Misa, would you like some cake?"

I didn't like Sweeney Todd, any of the versions, but "The Barber and His Wife" has been stuck in my head for days. No idea why, but this is my fix. I don't even like Misa...
It was terrible, I know, but I had to get the song out of my head.

Fic: In the Beginning, In the End

Summary: Chuck is still writing, but that doesn’t mean he has to share all his secrets.

Something went wrong. All the children were lost.

We will start anew.

The children were lost, warped and ruined by their dreams of him. Perhaps he should have spoken to them sooner-it would have saved a few.

They will be born again. A fresh start is what everyone needs. Now, let the sun shine upon their faces.

Those who were lost years again were born again. They would start over, just babies, fresh in the world. Those who were trapped and cursed will be lifted up, saved from their own sins. Poor, precious children.

They have been lifted up, their bodies in-tact, but their souls tarnished; long ruined. They were sent to Heaven and wiped of their old ways.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Then, he left them all. All the children went astray and He stood by and did nothing. But He came back, time and time again, to fix their mistakes.

There was love for the children, lost as they were.

Forgive me?

A/N: Umm, I tried to write fluff and this happened.


Hello, all.

I've come to the realization that the more work I have to do for school, the more I wish to write. I get ideas when I'm in class or writing a paper that just won't let me go until I write them down. It is a struggle. I just want to be free to write and research whatever I want whenever I want. That will never happen unless I become a housewife with a wonderful spouse with a very lucrative job, or I become an amazing one-hit wonder writer and I can retire and just do whatever. Hopes and dreams.

Anyway, I'll just try to finish my Master's program, and then a doctoral program, so that I can at least write and do research on subjects that I like in between grading papers and tests.

I don't know who reads this, but if anyone of you are interested in Death Note fanfiction, then some of that may be headed your way. I think I have a mild obsession with Death Note right now. I have no explanation for that.

A Hundred Years to a Steadfast Heart

Summary:  Part 2/3 of my awkward, love-at-first-sight Jess series.  I love Sleeping Beauty, if you can't tell.

The days slide by, the months pass, and Sam and I have been living together for half a year.  We're both juniors this year and life is busy, but life is good.

My Sam is a little more broken than I thought he was.  He's a little sadder, a little more secretive than expected.  I know he has a brother, and a father, and a man named Bobby, who I think is his uncle.  Sometimes, not nearly often enough, I can get him to speak about his brother.  Dan?  I don't know, he never says his name out loud when he's awake.  He only says "my big brother" or "the big jerk".  I wonder if I'll ever meet them.  His leaving for college doesn't sound like it went over well with them.

Anyway, Sam's a sad puppy half the time, but that's okay; I'll keep him sane, at least I'll try.  Work and classes usually keep him distracted enough, but sometimes, especially in November, he gets despondant.  I don't know what happened and he won't speak about it.  He also won't let me celebrate his birthday.  No idea what that's about, but I make sure we celebrate doubly hard on my birthdays.

The years since I've know Sam passed as if they were but a day.  We don't speak of love, but I know he loves me, and I love him. Love.  I think the idea makes Sam nervous.  I'll wait.

Two years and four months into knowing each other, I finally hear the words I've been waiting for.  "I'm happy," he says, like it's not big deal.  He obviously didn't know the importance of his happiness.  That's okay.  He's cute, he can be clueless.  He just can't be clueless in the courtroom.

Sam has been applying to law schools for months now and he's finally hearing back from some.  We both applied to Stanford for our continued schooling and I hope we'll both be accepted.  I've already had my interview for the graduate program in the English department.  Sam's interview is in just a few days.  It's all so nerve-wrecking.  We've both been so nervous that I think we're driving each other crazy.  I think I'm seeing things, I could have sworn I saw Brady yesterday.

I woke up to thuds and Sam's voice in the middle of the night.

Who is this little man in my apartment?!

Fic: Old as Time

I rediscovered one of my favorite songs this week; "Steal His Heart" by Emily and The Woods.

I felt Jess in it and I couldn't get the first line and the last line of this fic out of my head.  The last is borrowed from the song.  It’s short, but I hope to make it into a “Let’s travel into Jess’ head” series.  Hope you enjoy.

Summary:  It was a tale as old as time.  Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, but sometimes the characters fall off the usual path.  Part 1/??

I know it's cliche, but I think I've fallen for the guy in the corner.  This tall, dark stranger is keeping me up.  I've seen him before, in a class or two, and sometimes in the cafe; scrolling through the news.

He may have stolen my heart, but I don't know his name and I think that's part of the game.

I “accidentally” slammed into him on the way to class, hoping to finally get his name.  Instead, I didn’t even see his eyes that he hid behind his bangs and a rushed “I’m sorry.”  I’ll try something new tomorrow.

Tomorrow turned into a month when I spilled some coffee on the floor in front of him.  A real accident this time.  I was graced with a smile and name.  Sam.  My tall, dark stranger is a cutie with dimples and a big smile named Sam.  A puppy name to go with that puppy face of his.

Things are going to change.

We meet for lunch at least once a week now, and sometimes I can talk him into dinner and studying at my apartment.  Rare, but growing less rare every week.

He’s become a regular at the apartment; my roommate definitely thinks we’re a couple.  I think that would be nice.  Too bad I can’t even get him to laugh.  Maybe I can steal his heart.

I saw him last week, laughing with Brady.  I nearly cried when I saw both of those caverns he calls dimples.  He threw his head back, fluffy hair flying everywhere, and laughed.  I don’t think I own my heart anymore.

A month later, the stars finally aligned in my favor.  I told him the story of my parents meeting.  His nose twitched when I started the story, but then squinted with laughter when the story ended with my father falling on his face in the sand.

My Sam-that’s what I call him now, moved in two months later when Brady disappeared on a week long bender.  Sort of a disappointment; I liked Brady, but I get Sam all the time now.  It feels as if I’ve just started to live.  I don’t want this to end.

Now I have lived, I might as well die

The Way I See You

The Way I See You

Author’s Note

This was my first Supernatural fanfiction.  I haven’t written a fanfic in years, but my fanfiction muse woke from her coma and decided to gift me with the first line.  I hope it wasn’t horrible.  It’s unbeta-ed.  I realized today that I forgot how to do things on livejournal.  The struggle was real and I was sad and it was way too early in the morning.

Set in season 8

He started to see her everywhere.

Just flashes at first; her face in a crowded bar, a trail of blonde hair in a restaurant, the brief view of a loving smile and pouty lips in a gas station.

He doesn’t tell his brother.  Dean wouldn’t understand, wouldn’t see that seeing her isn’t a bad thing.  Seeing her doesn’t hurt Sam anymore, not like it used to hurt.  The sight of Jessica is wonderful, like a gift.  It’s a good gift, not a gift from Lucifer, not the usual torture.

As the weeks go by, Sam sees Jess more often and more clearly.  She’s just as beautiful as she was when he first met her.  Her eyes glitter, but they don’t burn out of her skull.  She’s wearing a dress, not a white nightgown, and it’s not covered in blood.  Fire doesn’t surround her and the smell of burning flesh is absent.  She’s a gift.  A gift.  Just a gift.

Months pass and he begins to see her in the Men of Letters Bunker, in the motels that the brothers still use, and in libraries.  Sometimes, she sits across from him in the library, but she’s always silent.  She helps him find the right passages, nodding when he runs across a book that is useful.  In the motel, she only appears when Dean is out.  She sits at the tables, on Dean’s beds and just smiles at him.  Sam is positive that she watches him sleep when Dean stays out all night, doing whatever it is that Dean does at night.  He thinks she might be an angel, borrowing the face of his beloved to make him feel comfortable.  Occasionally, he’s frightened.  What if it’s a trap?

He lets it go.  He can pretend, they both can pretend.

Half a year goes by before Dean notices that something isn’t right with his brother, again.  Well, that’s not quite true.  He noticed months ago, but he didn’t consider it a real problem.  There was fighting to be done, yelling, and hurt feelings to heal.  Sam is staring off into space again, but he’s not flinching anymore.  Instead, Sam’s eyes look glassy, he smiles, he sighs, and he’s content.  There aren’t any nightmares or seizures that follow the staring.  It’s hard for Dean to complain; his brother looks happy.

Dean finds it terrifying, not knowing what his brother’s seeing.  It’s disconcerting, to say the least, but how can he ask?  He’s just started to forgive Sam for not looking for him, for abandoning him in Purgatory.  Dean decides to leave it for now.  Maybe Sam will mention it.

Dean can’t ignore it anymore when Sam coughs up blood and tries to hide it behind sleeves and carefully crumpled tissues.  He’ll ask Sam tomorrow who he’s been thanking for the tissues.  He’ll ask right after they save Bobby.

Jess gets more solid every day.  Sam can feel her touches after the second trial.  Her hands brush the fever away when Dean isn’t hovering over him.  Her kisses take away the pain.  She still loves him, he knows this to be true.  He was tricked once, maybe twice, into thinking that she hated him.  Jess forgives him; it wasn’t his fault the world had plans for him.

The day Sam knocks his brother out to save Charlie from the djinn, Jessica sits in the car with him on the way to the crime scenes and to the djinn’s lair.  She has a voice by then, she whispers to him and her voice echoes around the car.  Be safe.  Save Dean.  Save Charlie.  You’re so strong.  Be safe.  Sam doesn’t see her again for days.  Maybe she used too much energy speaking; she just needs to rest.  Sam is exhausted and barely functional in the days that follow.

Jessica stays away for a long time after that.  Sam doesn’t even see her when he’s following Dr. Scowly, but he thinks she wouldn’t approve of her calling the man names.  She’s certainly not around when the brothers meet Metatron.

Dean never does get around to asking Sam who he’s seeing.

When Sam is in the church, curing Crowley, Jessica holds his hands, braces him when he staggers, and brushes the glass out of his hair.  As usual, she’s absent when Dean runs into the church to stop him, but he swears he can hear her crying when he says he doesn’t care about dying.  She gives him a sad smile and kisses after Dean rushes him out of the church.  Sam’s surprised, he can feel her petting his hair and stroking near his dimples as the brothers watch the angels fall.  This Jess and Dean have never been around at the same time, but she stays with Sam in the car as his lungs fail.

He can’t feel her after he wakes up in the car.